Reclaiming My Voice as a Neurodivergent Survivor of Sexual Violence

Feb 24, 20233 min read

Updated: Oct 16, 2024

By Dr Susy Ridout

Central to reclaiming my voice was being able to make sense of what had happened to me and my immediate family and to discover the new me. Sexual violence never impacts on just one person, and those who care about us, and who know, are sucked into a vortex of confusion, unruly emotions, and unpredictable events regardless of gender and with gendered beliefs instilled from early childhood. Our worlds are turned upside down and it can be incredibly difficult to come together to address this since our voices will always be unique. I know I experienced the feeling of 'not being qualified enough' to talk on the subject, and this is fascinating to consider as effectively it means that outsiders take away our agency over our narrative.

Initially, feeling 'stuck' due to my monotropic mindset and accompanying autistic inertia, I struggled to have any momentum and was only able to focus on my trauma. For this reason, I turned to artwork to help me process my thoughts. This had a profoundly calming impact, even if I was producing something on a potentially triggering topic, and I have done lots of artwork, drawings, and collages since in addition to the above mosaic. Each time I do some artwork, it is not with a view to producing something brilliant, but rather to engage in a soothing and meditative process. Through this, I discover new thoughts and feelings which allow me to reflect more deeply and become more self-aware, and, if you are also a victim-survivor (or whatever term you feel comfortable using) I would flag up the importance of finding an enabling activity that permits you to address your trauma and find your new self in order that you may rebuild your life. This is the essence of recovery.

These activities have helped me to reach a stage where I feel able to produce a variety of resources with a view to supporting and informing others. Examples of these are: a film with the specialist service that supported me, and which is being developed further as I write. The production of authored books , book chapters, journal articles , or presentations . In addition, I sit on a Survivor Steering Group which informs a specialist service, and I have taken part in a piece of Home Office-funded research exploring police responses to victims of sexual violence. As a neurodivergent victim-survivor, I have been asked, alongside others, to inform the report and do a presentation to police and practitioners based on this aspect.

All of this has helped me feel a little stronger about my identity and more confident in who I am today as I have others backing me. However, this does not account for appalling societal, institutional, and individual attitudes in relation to victim-survivors and a complete lack of respect from many regarding our experiences. Personally, I consider it to be a constant battle to change things, to educate people, and to inform systems, and finding my tribe has been a key part of maintaining my wellbeing. Those that I can trust, and who understand that recovery from trauma can involve a huge amount of masking on top of what I already do as someone who is neurodivergent, are precious to me. Trauma results in masking for many of us navigating social settings, as does neurodivergence, and the combined impact of the two can be overwhelming. Finding my voice in this sensory jungle has been extremely challenging as it has also required me to be assertive about the language and terminology that I wish others to use in relation to me and my experiences.

Linked to this is the acknowledgement that my narrative belongs to me and nobody else and that survivors need to be involved in shaping the responses of services. For every survivor, reclaiming their voice is a unique event. At the outset, following several health practitioners gaslighting my narrative of rape and painting me in their notes as someone who was mad, I turned to the police. But I never thought that I would want to speak out on sexual violence and become an activist in this field. My recovery pathway has just morphed into this without it being a conscious decision. Opportunities have simply arisen, for example, an event which has triggered a response from me to do something about unjust practice within institutions.

I now remain constantly alert about the need for self-care in terms of managing my wellbeing, but it is outsiders who impose further trauma on victim-survivors by making often unpredictable and unwarranted ‘rapey’ comments who can be triggering. It is these people and unjust practices that need to change.

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Reclaiming My Voice as a Neurodivergent Survivor of Sexual Violence

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